Taylor Swift just dropped her double album The Tortured Poets Department, and from it I’ve learned two things: Even she is kind of done with her own drama, and kids these days don’t be got no vocabulary.
I haven’t given a real listen to the entire thing yet. The opening song, Fortnight, with Post Malone is fine. It’s not my favorite. I like him OK, but every time I look at him I think about what his skin must feel like with all those ratty-assed black tattoos and I get the willies.
Not touching Post Malone doesn’t seem like it would be much of a challenge for someone like me, but still, the lyrics…
Thought of callin' ya,
But you won't pick up
'Nother fortnight lost in America
Move to Florida
Buy the car you want
But it won't start up
'Til you touch, touch, touch me
OK, that’s enough of that, Postie.
Meanwhile TikTok is abuzz.
Did you know fortnight isn’t just a game? It also means two weeks!
Yes, I did know that. But to be fair, saying it around here is just absurd Brit affect, so people not knowing it is understandable.
Down Bad is an instant earworm, equating being dumped with being returned to earth by aliens who’d kidnapped you, except you wanted to stay with the aliens.
Now I'm down bad, crying at the gym
Everything comes out teenage petulance
Fuck it if I can’t have him.
I might just die it would make no difference
This chorus, it turns out, is impossible to stop singing once you’ve heard it.
“What does petulance mean - OMG, I need a dictionary when I’m listening to this!” said a commenter on the song’s video. I wanted to point out that there was no petulance in the question, though there could have been if asked differently.
One woman made an entire video about the struggle: “It took me sooooo lonnnnng to explain to my elder millennial husband what “down bad” means. I mean, how do we even describe that?”
“Pining?” Suggested one commenter.
“OMG! That’s exactly right!” Read the comment below, “I’ve never heard that word before!”
OFFS, I thought.
Then, I thought, do people even know what OFFS stands for any more1? Then I took a moment to enjoy “elder millennial.” Welcome to Being Told You’re Wrong About Everything And Don’t Know The Language Land! We’ve been waiting for you.
About The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, truly one of the most brilliantly scathing slams ever written2, one commenter wrote, “What is an ‘ulceran’?”
'Cause once your queen had come
You treat her like an also-ran
You didn't measure up
In any measure of a man
Come one, dude. Don’t be treating people like an ulceran.
As the TikTok vocab lessons have grown with each passing hour, others have excitedly asked things like, “Do you think Dylan Thomas and Patti Smith know Taylor mentioned them in her title track?”
I laughed in your face and said
You're not Dylan Thomas, I'm not Patti Smith
This ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we're modern idiots
And who's gonna hold you like me?
Nobody, no-fucking-body, nobody
Patti Smith knows, and posted a picture of herself on Instagram reading Dylan Thomas, thanking Swift.
Dylan Thomas I’m wagering does not know, seeing as he died at the Chelsea Hotel in 1953, where Patti Smith would live sixteen years later.
Don’t get me wrong, I love this. I love the excitement about words and vocabulary and poets and artists discovered anew, and I loathe snobby, snipey catting and vicious mocking of people who are inspired and learning new things.
But I can’t help thinking of my son, Thing 2, who on more than one occasion has groaned, “Mom, nobody uses words like that. Why can’t you talk normal!”
“You mean normally,” I’ll say, “and I mostly do it to be pestilential and carking around you.”
“Those aren’t words.”
The meanest videos I’ve seen on TikTok are women mocking Swift for “writing like a B-level AP English student.” The green glint of pyrrhic victory in their eyes must be lost on them. I’m sure their club pins are keeping them warm at night. But then as Taylor might say,
The Who’s Who
Of who’s that
Is poised for
The attack
Mean girls stay mean girls their entire lives.
TikTok, Youtube and numerous articles are also offering “Who said it: William Shakespeare or Taylor Swift?” games. It’s not always easy to tell. I guess there are a lot of B-level AP English students out there.
As for which man or event which song is about, I’m having trouble keeping up and caring, though I really try. Matty Healy may be all sorts of talented, but he seems like a dreary drunk to me, and he looks like he smells bad. Joe Alwyn seems like someone who’d notice and judge you for using the wrong fork at a dinner party. I’m happy with her current choice of American football player Travis Kelce, primarily because, like millions of others I suspect, I have a crush on his older brother Jason. Regardless, apparently her future music will no longer dwell on the Mister Rights and Wrongs of the past as her Instagram notes included the following:
“This period of the author’s life is now over, the chapter closed and boarded up. There is nothing to avenge, no scores to settle once wounds have healed. And upon further reflection, a good number of them turned out to be self-inflicted. This writer is of the firm belief that our tears become holy in the form of ink on a page. Once we have spoken our saddest story, we can be free of it.
And then all that’s left behind is the tortured poetry.”
And some elated, erudite, articulate fans delighted to learn as they listen. And one grateful Boomer appreciative of Taylor Swift’s music, her message to let go of shame and withstand the blows, and her contagious gift of the joy of word play and meaning.
Morning Teaistisms
This morning I subjected myself to a COVID booster shot, and followed it with an RSV vaccine chaser.
The day was fine, but now I’m feeling the effects of all that keeping up with good health. I sleep on my left side, yet I always forget to get the shots in my right arm. This will be annoying tonight. Other than an increasingly sore left arm, I’m just feeling tired.
I should probably have some mint tea and chocolate, don’t you think? Just to be safe?
That’s Oh For Fuck’s Sake, if not.
Whereas ThanK you IMee is one of the most delightful works of revenge in history. Invoking an enemy’s kid coming home singing your song is some kind of brilliant evil, and I’m here for it. You can practically see the blood dripping from Taylor Swift’s perfect teeth. Thoughts and chairs, Kim Kardashian.
I knew EXACTLY what OFFS was instantly!!
Brilliant, Marjie!!!!!!