You know I try to be a glass half full kind of person whenever possible, so if there’s an up side to global warming, it’s that ice cream is always appropriate. Not only is it really hot out, but we might all be dead tomorrow, so as my friend Eric writes in his Substack, always buy the ice cream. There’s really no point in waiting.
Obviously, one can get ice cream at the market, or at the gazillion ice cream parlors and vendors in a given town. In fact, as discussed, one should. But you don’t have to buy the ice cream, because there is a machine called a Ninja CREAMi. I don’t know why it’s spelled like that. I guess it screams cream, but not “i.”
At any rate, this machine makes ice cream at home. You freeze whatever base you want in the special pint container, then hook the container up to the machine which then churns and grinds and mixes the concoction into your dessert.
Did I say dessert? I obviously meant protein-forward, super-good-for-you, ultra-chemically-stabilized frozen meal!
Because while the Ninja Creami can, sure, be used for making after-dinner sweets, the real secret is using it to make protein ice creams, thereby providing those less nihilistic snackers with an excuse for eating frozen confections morning, noon, and night. And they’re literally doing that.
There are recipes for breakfast ice creams of fruit and oats, say, or maple waffle. And then every meal and snack after that, all laden with dozens of grams of protein per pint, very little if any sugar, and lots of added nutrients.
Of course I bought one. I’m nothing if not health conscious.
I had to throw out the first five batches I tried. It’s been a long time since I’ve eaten that many preservatives and fake flavors. But I persevered. No pain, no gain after all.
I haven’t shopped in the middle of the supermarket in a long time, either, so it took me forever to find the sugar-free pudding mixes, protein drinks, and ultra-filtered, high protein milk products required. I ordered many gigantic tubs of protein powder with flavors like Super Fudge Brownie and French Vanilla, yet they tasted nothing like those things.
I nibbled on the graham crackers, chocolate chips and other mix-in ingredients as I considered my options and studied the recipes. I bought stock in Fairlife protein drinks, which must own Ninja as there’s no other reason I can find for including them in all those videos. I kept trying, and throwing out failed batches.
But then it started working, or maybe my palate died enough to get used to things. A glug of good vanilla here, a dash of bourbon or chocolate shavings there, and viola! Actual, edible protein ice cream for dinner!
Then I had to go out and buy more mix-ins. Someone - no telling who - had eaten them all. The mix-ins really make the meal.
I’ll be heading back to the city in a few days, after three weeks here on Cape Cod. The weather there will be ten degrees hotter day and night.
Good thing I’ll have my icy protein to keep me going. Now that I’m basically a health icon, it wouldn’t do to collapse in the heat.
Morning Teaistisms
My regular collection of teas and accoutrements are back in the city, so I’ve been making my way through the old tea bags left since possibly the Korean War, and found in the dark reaches of cabinets and shelves.
As I may have mentioned, it’s hot. And say what you will about Salada tea, a few decades of neglect in no way changes the taste or quality. Their website boasts, “It's the same Salada tea you've always known,” and in this case that’s literal. They also have 356 of the most Old Folks reviews I’ve ever read, including this from M.A.:
“I am 82 years old and have been drinking Salada tea since I was 10. I have tried a lot of teas but I only enjoy Salada tea. I never drink coffee,”
and this from what must surely be a sleepless Arlene Sheridan:
“I am an avid tea drinker. I can not function in the morning without my large mug of Salada black tea. As the day goes on, mugs of tea are my comfort drink. I don’t go to sleep at night until I have my hot cup of tea with lemon. That calm’s my stomach. Since Salada black tea has become hard to buy in my grocery stores, I order it by the case!! I am your biggest fan!!❤️”1
So iced Salada orange pekoe tea it is for this girl these days.
Dear Arlene,
Have you thought about backing off the nighttime tea? Then you might function in the morning a wee bit better…
It’s also possible that so many cups of acidulated tea, day and night, are contributing to your stomach’s lack of calm. Perhaps a nice glass of milk before bed - and an antacid?
OMG.. those videos are persuasive. The lure to eat healthy low call high protein ice cream is a powerful one.. will I look like the spokespeople after I consume them? I must stop watching those videos or I may also end up with that crazy machine. I find freezing a good old basic fruit smoothy (with protein powder) is a great summer treat but definitely not as sexy.
It HAS to be easier to just buy Ben & Jerry's....