Pox-Free for 64 Years
I would like to have a partner, I really would. I’d like to have someone there to just talk to in a day, share a cup of tea with, spy on the neighbors with. It would be lovely to have someone bring me that cup of tea sometimes, and I like bringing people tea, too. It would be so nice to stand around the kitchen counter at night with a glass of wine, cook something elaborate or make a piece of toast, and plan our next trip to somewhere together. I’d like it if someone knew or cared that I got home after I went out, or, more importantly, if I didn’t.
It’s just that - ugh. Someone hanging around my house all the time would be so annoying. What if they wanted to chew food when I was reading?
I need to find a dating app where people can find other people who like to sit on the other couch, stare at their own laptop, and mind their own damned business.
That person will enjoy being interrupted by giggling and/or overly-loud laughter at random articles. They will want to be read parts out loud, but not entire articles.
They will love watching 400-500 TikTok videos sent to them throughout each 24-hour period. They will respond with appropriate emojis every time.
They will understand that finishing a bad movie is paying twice.
They will understand that sometimes people sing bad songs out loud over and over again because they can’t help it.
They will be a foodie and suddenly need to cook everything from a given regional coordinate, then another, then another. They will be Yummitarians, eating whatever seems right at the time without vows of culinary purity in any direction.
They will have enough money to travel business class (points and credit card miles count).
They will appreciate being spendy but only practice spendiness with their own money. They will not fill other people's houses with their spendy spoils™.
Even if people don’t have a lot of money, they should know the difference between the house red at Applebee's and a great Shiraz. If we can’t have quality, we must at least long for it.
They will sleep in their own room. They will understand that beagles don't like to be crowded, and that sex is for people without social media, or who somehow didn’t do enough of that for decades, thanks, and would just prefer something soothing and murdery on the TV and then some sleep, when the beagle isn’t snoring too loudly to do so.
It is fine if they like sports. Everybody’s got to have a hobby. It is not fine if the other person has to care about sports, too. As long as we’re clear on that.
There will be nobody on this app who sees camping as anything but practicing homelessness for no good reason.
There will be no boaters on this app. The only good reason for having a boat is to dispose of a body, and when you’re not the one with the boat, someone mentioning their love of boating is not a plus. It is sketchy, and builds trust issues.
If you like golf that's totally fine. Some of us like our alone time, so off you go.
Also, if you're 68 and looking for someone, "fit, trim, athletic with a sense of adventure who likes being outdoors," it’s really hard to believe you’re divorced.
People must vote correctly. None of this, “good people on all sides” horseshit. If your arm tends to fling up stiffly at the sight of free will, civil rights, and library books, there’s another app for you out there I’m sure. Hopefully the FBI is watching it.
Mentioning your ex-spouse or mother on this app sends a signal to the developers, which in return sends 20,000 volts back through your phone, solving that problem nicely.
40,000 volts for men referring to women as “sweetie,” “cutie,” and “my lady” through any electronic communication, ever, and in person at any time without sarcasm.
How is this not a thing?
We could name it… I don’t know.
E-tolerable
Nap.com
Given the criteria I do understand there’s no real point in being an anything-sexual, so we won’t list sexual orientation, but there are habits more prevalent in a certain gender that need a warning label, so we will list that.
A friend once complained to me, “You women come with this long list of requirements and needs, and all we guys want to know is that you’re basically pox free. And even that’s not a deal breaker.”
So the app questionnaire for women and non-binary people
will be extremely short:Pox-free for ______
The men are going to have some writing to do.
Maybe we should call it ReclinR.
Yes. That’s setting expectations right where we want them.
Morning Teaistisms
As riddled with self-loathing as I may be, I have never been so self-injurious as to eliminate sugar from my diet. In fact, doing so would be against my own wellbeing, as pointed out by Maslow in his famous hierarchy of needs.
But there are times when less sugar seems reasonable, or less added sugar anyway, or a different kind of sweetness. That’s when toasted brown rice green tea is my friend.
Well, it’s often my friend. It’s got a nutty, subtle flavor with that hint of sweetness, and it’s low-caffeine, so I can drink it all day long. And it’s good for you! According to this website it does everything for you but clean your car.
My search history now includes “how many volts are fatal?”
This will need to be self-selecting, so we’ll have a “When people start talking, do you start listening?” decision-tree question. If they answer, “What?” they have to write.
When I read "I need to find a dating app where people can find other people who like to sit on the other couch, stare at their own laptop, and mind their own damned business.That person will enjoy being interrupted by giggling and/or overly-loud laughter at random articles. They will want to be read parts out loud, but not entire articles." I felt such gratitude for my husband of 50 years who is sitting, working on his laptop in the next room, while I work on mine (we can see each other) who is most likely to interrupt me with a "damn" when the computer malfunctions, but will also read out loud (but not whole article) or let me read out loud as well. And we both giggle when the dog's snores get so loud we can both hear her. He also ticks a good number of the other boxes as well. So don't hate me for being so lucky (smile) but thanks for the list, will remind me not to get irritated with his habit of letting paper and books pile up on the table, which makes dusting difficult.
Sooo, how do we retrofit this?? Is there a break glass in case of emergency kit for those already married?