One Way To Let Old Acquaintance Be Forgot
Tea-based cocktails, toddies, buttered rums, and important health advice regarding liquoring up your children
A fun thing about tea-based cocktails are the crackpots who insist that they’re good for you because they’re made with tea.
They’re rich in antioxidants!
They detox your body from harmful chemicals and pollutants - throw away those kidneys, we’ve got tea!
They simultaneously boost your energy and relax you because TEA!
Of course, evidence-based people know this is absurd. Tea-based cocktails are good for you because they’re 1) tea, and 2) cocktails.
In truth, the thing about tea cocktails is that one can add the alcohol or not add the alcohol. Sure, on a given day you might be a little happier if you add it, but it’s still kind of fun mixing the spices, juices, and sugars for an extra something-something, even if you don’t add the memory-faders. Here’s a glam chef’s recipe*, and below that you’ll find my own tried and true versions as well as some important wellness tips.
Su Jung Kwa (Rye Spiked Cinnamon Tea1)
3 Cups water
¼ C peeled, sliced fresh ginger
½ Tablespoon pine nuts
2 Red dates / jujubes
¼ C sugar
Add everything except the sugar, bring to a boil, then turn it down and simmer for 20 minutes. Add the sugar, stir until dissolved, let steep for 2 hours, add pine nuts, and refrigerate.
You can just drink that as tea, or you can try to wring one drop of joy out of this fucking year and add to a cocktail shaker full of ice:
3 ounces of the tea
1 ½ oz rye whiskey
¼ oz fresh lemon juice
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Shake like you’re killing thems that need it.
Strain into a rocks glass with new ice that represents your hopes for the new new year that will all soon melt away.
Garnish with an orange twist
*Editorial on glam chef’s recipe might have been altered somewhat by yours truly
Chai Old Fashioned
For the chai syrup
1 teaspoon of whatever chai mix you like.
Or more than a teaspoon. Or less. You get it.
Brown sugar. Again, how sweet do you like your chai and cocktails? Put that much. 1 Teaspoon. Or more. Or less. But probably more.
8 Ounces of hot water
Stir til the sugar is dissolved and let steep
For the cocktail
Take a large sip out of the bottle of bourbon you plan to use to make sure it’s not deadly poison.
Pour 2 ounces into a rocks glass
Pour in another ounce for god’s sake
Add about ½ ounce of the chai syrup
A couple dashes of bitters
Serve over ice
Remember, a Toddy is Just Warm Alcohol that Makes You More International!
And if you add citrus, you’re preventing scurvy
So maybe not technically tea, “taddy” is an Indian word that loosely translates to “an alcoholic beverage made from fermented palm sap that dulls the pain of an endless occupation.”
Over the years the Brits put their own decidedly yummy spin on it with different variations of booze and flavors, and voila! The Hot Toddy was appropriated born!
Once it got to the States all bets were off, and a February 3, 1837 article in the Burlington Free Press recommended, should you have a sick child, bypassing the medical establishment and instead giving them a hot toddy:
“If your child begins to snuffle occasionally, to have red eyes, or a little deafness; if his skin feels dry and hot, and his breath is feverish — you have now an opportunity of doing your work much faster than ever before. The first step is to avoid calling a doctor. Next, feed the child excessive amounts. Finally, make him drink. Ply him well with hot stimulating drinks, of which the hot toddy is the best.”
This honestly may be the best medical advice I’ve ever seen. Also, any list that starts with “Step 1: Don’t do something” is my kind of list.
Hot Toddy
Pour about a cup of simmering water into your obviously glass mug. Not full boiling because 1) after the first drink you’ll injure yourself, and 2) let’s not waste any alcohols by boiling them away.
Add 2 teaspoons sugar, honey, maple syrup, or anything that’s not some goddamned low calorie pesticide like stevia or whatever. Eat the sugar FFS.
Add 2 teaspoons of lemon juice. Or orange juice, or cranberry juice, or really any fruit juice is good.
Add 1 ½ ounces whiskey or rum or spiced rum, or cognac, or basically anything. Ooh! I bet opium would be good in this…
This leads us to Hot Buttered Rum, which involves making a compound butter if you do it right. Mix together:
1 stick (4 ounces) unsalted butter/vegan butter (I’ve used salted, it’s fine)
½ cup maple sugar (or maple syrup, or light brown sugar)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon ground allspice
You understand that when I say, “1 teaspoon” I mean “some” and it doesn’t really matter how much, right?
Add probably two Tablespoons of the butter mixture per cup of hot water, and pour in some booze. Rum is just a suggestion - you can use almost anything. Garnish with a cinnamon stick if people are watching you drink it so you look fancy, plus it makes a good stirrer. Avoid letting the cinnamon stick go up your nose after the first drink.
However, let’s say you have a cold, or don’t feel like making a compound butter, and you have some pumpkin pie spice, or apple pie spice kicking around. The recipe then might be as follows:
Close the top of your PJs so you don’t get a steam burn you’re going to have to explain.
Put a heaping spoonful of butter in your obviously glass mug
Pour in some maple syrup or put in a spoonful of any kind of sugar
Shake in some of the spice mix
Add hot water
Add booze
Add cinnamon stick to feel fancy
Fabulous, Marjie!!! (would letting the cinnamon stick go up my nose after the second drink be unattractive?)
Can you do any no/low carb cocktails? Asking for a friend