The results are in on my second round 1,000-word NYC Midnight flash fiction challenge. My first round, which I posted in June, placed 13th, which surprised me as I’d never entered any writing competition before, nor previously tried my hand at fiction.
For the second round I placed 6th, which is half as bad or twice as good, so I’m pleased. This time the prompts were:
Genre: Comedy
Location: A toy shop
Object: A cage
The top five total point winners in each group move forward to the next round, and my 13th place keeps me from that. I earned ten for the second round, but only three for the first, so I’m out for the rest of the thousand-word game. I’ll definitely do it again next year, and the 500-word challenge is still in play for me, and I’ve entered the 250-word challenge, which starts in November.
In the mean time, I thought I’d share my second round entry. This one felt like cheating since I was able to use “life experience” as a launching point. Zeus and Athena were very real. So were their parents. So was their predicament.
Was it really fiction, then?
Now is not the time to nitpick.
Four’s A Crowd
“We’re so glad you’re here.”
Denise Dowd had opened the door. Standing behind her was her husband. Behind him were the Mastiffs.
“This is Athena, and this is Zeus,” Denise said, “Oh, and Steven.” I shook Steven’s hand.
I’d been referred to the couple by their veterinarian, who’d sent me a note saying, “I gave them your number.”
I’d been an animal behaviorist for more than twenty years, and there wasn’t much I hadn’t seen. The clinic notes were brief: “Couple seeking training help. Wife seven months pregnant. Dogs intractable,” so I was wary of a couple of hundred-thirty-plus pound dogs wandering free as I entered. They were watchful and alert, but they showed no signs of aggression.
“Please come in,” said Steven. I was entering through the apartment door in the back, which connected to the toy store the couple owned in the center of a quaint New England town. Doggies & Dollies was a popular shopping destination for indulgent parents of children and pets, but on this Sunday morning it was closed.
The apartment living room was spacious, with two enormous cages facing the plate glass windows that looked out over the gravel parking spaces and wooded area behind the shop. Beyond the living room was a kitchenette, and off to the right I could see a bedroom. Denise and Steven sat on the couch which was perpendicular to the cages. Zeus and Athena sat next to them on the couch, their owners’ heads reaching their shoulders. I sat on the arm of a chair facing them. I wanted to stay mobile and elevated. I still didn’t know what I was dealing with.
“Dr. Becker said you were looking for help?” I said.
There was a slight pause. Denise’s eyes welled with tears. She collected herself, and then stage whispered, “They won’t let us… you know...” She was gesturing toward the dogs.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Have sex!” she whispered even more fiercely.
I was going to kill Becker.
“No,” said Steven, “They get really upset. We’ve been having to do it in the car.”
The only vehicles other than my own in the lot had been a Jeep Wrangler and a MINI Cooper. I looked at Denise’s heavily pregnant belly.
“Are those…?” I gestured toward the lot.
Denise nodded, her lip quivered. “It’s been really hard lately to get in and out.”
I almost missed Steven’s next comment, so intent was I on not asking, “Which car?”
“And lately Athena’s been howling when we go to the car,” he said, “It’s like she knows.”
“It’s very distracting,” Denise said, almost to herself.
I looked around the apartment hoping something would come to me. Denise took that as a cue to demonstrate.
“Look what happens!”
She grabbed Steven’s hand and pulled him up, rushing to the bedroom. Leaping over the back of the couch, Athena beat them to the bed and was standing on it when they got there and lay down.
But Zeus had gone the other way, and shot through a couple of swinging doors just past the kitchen, doors I hadn’t noticed until then. Unsure of which way to move, I walked toward the bedroom and listened to the hinges squeaking as they came to rest. He ran back through the doors a few seconds later carrying a rope dog toy with a dense knot on the end. Leaping past me toward the bed, he threw it at the couple, who covered their heads as the packaging hit them. He was gone almost before it had landed, back into the toy store, returning a moment later with a Chuck-It, a hard, plastic wand meant for hurling tennis balls, also still in its packaging. This time he jumped on the bed with it, and at this Athena hurdled off the bed and raced past me, returning a few seconds later with a large, light-up turtle. She’d torn through the packaging and her jaw pressure set off all the buttons at once. Red! Seven! Blue! Three! Count with me!
Zeus, now straddling the couple, started to howl. Athena leapt on the bed and started humping him. Steven was shouting, “Athena, bad dog!” Zeus was in danger of collapsing on Denise, who was now sobbing.
It had been roughly two minutes since we’d been sitting on the couch. A lifetime ago.
“I think I’ve seen enough,” I said loudly. All four of them looked at me and stopped. They may have forgotten I was there. Only the turtle continued its eupeptic shouting: Yellow! Four! Let’s count some more!
“Let’s turn off the turtle and go back to the living room, shall we?”
They all clambered off the bed, Steven pausing to silence the screaming reptile. Denise and Athena sat back on the couch, followed by the two guys.
“Do you see?” said Denise.
“Oh, I very much do!” I responded. “I can’t help but notice—you have these big crates here. Have you ever thought about putting the dogs in them when you want to… go to bed?”
“Oh,” said Steven, “They’d hate that.”
“Won’t they get upset?” asked Denise.
I suggested we go into the toy store. The five of us walked through the swinging doors and into the pet aisle. There we found large dog toys suitable for filling. Back in the apartment, we stuffed them with food, put each dog in a crate with their prize, closed the cage doors, and watched as they set about enjoying their snacks.
“Let’s see what happens!” said Denise, as she and Steven headed back to their bedroom. I hurriedly gathered my things and headed for the front door.
“I’ll send you my bill,” I called. Not even the turtle answered.
Feedback
I thought the judges’ feedback was spot on. It’s always in the reread weeks later that the cringe really comes in, and yes, they’re absolutely right about the end, I think. Sigh.
''Four's A Crowd'' by Marjie Alonso - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2424} I like the absurd yet trying predicament the dogs have created for Denise and Steven. The narrator's mortification at having to help find solutions adds another layer of emotion and tension. {2374} The details really do a good job of hitting the perfect comedic notes. I was rolling over the turtle and the "which car?" questions. The writing is a pleasure to read, with a good amount of detail and specificity that make the story feel complete and satisfying. {2436} I thought you did an excellent job with your animal behaviourist. There was a certain long-suffering quality to their voice that lent "Four's A Crowd" a lot of colour and texture. ("They may have forgotten I was there"? Ha.) I thought you were able--with your neat, precise language--to construct a number of wonderfully absurd images as well. The description of Zeus and Athena sitting next to Denise and Steven "on the couch, their owners' heads reaching their shoulders" genuinely made me giggle, for instance! WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2424} After all the madcap mayhem the dogs put everyone through in the bedroom, the resolution feels a little too neat and rushed. You still have some room to expland within the word count. Consider slowing down to create more suspense around whether the dogs will enter the cage to enjoy their snacks. The more uncertainty you can bring to that moment, the more satisfying the resolution will be. {2374} The set-up to this story is really fun, but I'm afraid that the ending is a letdown. If Denise and Steven are so desperate that they've been sneaking off to their car and had to call in (and presumably pay for) an expert, you'd think that they would have tried the crates. They also seem to own a store that caters to both children and pets, so they ought to know the basics about training. I think some other solution for the problem would have felt more satisfying--as it stands, the first 3/4 of the story is great, but the ending just fell a bit flat for me. {2436} I found your narrator's--lack of?--response to Steven's earnest "They'd hate that" and Denise's heartfelt "Won't they get upset?" a bit curious... Might we see them make some sort of disapproving or disbelieving remark about their clients' sincerity (under their breath)? I found your story's final line a little underwhelming, too... Might we be given some more access to your narrator's interiority here? Might we hear them grouse about Becker again, for instance?
What fun! I throughly enjoyed your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
All these prompts are giving me the urge to do some writing too… maybe next year when I’m not teaching.
Inevitably, I am wondering what you’d come up with if you took the judge’s advice.
That was fabulous, Marjie! I could visualize the scene and your response to the situation. The comments from the the judges were good except for the comments on your last line.......Your last line was perfect - anything more would have been too wordy!!! Bravo, Marjie!!!!!!