500 Words Rounds 2: Birthday Plans
I did not make it to the finals of the 500-word Flash Fiction challenge, but to be fair, I didn’t think this last story was my best work.
This time the criteria were
Genre: Comedy / Action: Making a reservation / Object: A battery
Comedy is incredibly hard to write, and this assignment landed on the weekend of the Somerville Dog Festival, where I had to entertain 5,000 of my neighbors and their dogs at an outdoor fundraiser for my small foundation. My veterinarian partner and I provide free veterinary care to the dogs and cats of homeless or at-risk veterans, elderly, and families in Eastern Massachusetts, and that takes money, something we’re both much better at spending than raising.
At any rate, the Festival is a massive amount of work on both ends of the event, and that left very little time for the writing of this piece — no time, really, for thinking about it. One is given the assignment Friday night at midnight, and it’s due Sunday at midnight, 48 hours later. A few hours after one might be, say, rolling in after a day of hosting thousands of people and their dogs at a park. In the blazing sun. Could have been freezing rain, so I’m not complaining. But I wasn’t firing on all cylinders by the time I submitted it.
Once again, I find the judges’ comments to be constructive and helpful. This is a remarkable opportunity for someone like me to practice the craft of writing in a fun, low-stakes but slightly pressurized way. To also get feedback is icing on the cake. Each judge is identified only by their number. I’ll add their comments at the end. So here, for your reading pleasure, is:
Birthday Plans
Cameron shook her phone and banged it on the palm of her hand, figuring what worked for a dying flashlight would work for a dying phone battery. She’d already tried licking the charge port, but that didn’t do anything but leave a bad taste and a little grit in her mouth. She should have charged it before going out. It was difficult enough to see in the sun, and low power mode meant everything was even harder to read.
The Rainbow Ridge Steak House had five-star reviews, and offered breathtaking views. Known for its architecture, the glass-walled dining room cantilevered out over waterfalls, providing diners with a colorful rainbow backdrop during the daylight hours. In the evenings, lights behind the falls shone through the water as a string quartet played.
Cameron couldn’t screw this up. Ruby was dying to go, and it wasn’t every day her daughter turned sixteen. Why her child couldn’t just want a Sephora gift certificate or something was beyond her, but whatever.
“You sure you don’t want me to make the reservation, mom?”
No, she did not want her to make the reservation. I mean, sure, planning wasn’t always her strong suit. Like the time she’d booked them a trip to hike the Outback but ended up in Austria instead.
Or when she decided to drive across the US with her five year-old, but ran out of money in Las Vegas. They slept in a parking lot for three nights waiting for her mother to wire some cash, and Ruby called every Elvis impersonator “Daddy” for years afterward.
And honestly, all strollers look the same, so the mix up with the kids at the Moms in the Park Walk-a-Thon wasn’t really her fault. That was totally overblown. But this was just a simple dinner out.
She googled the restaurant, squinting at the dim screen, and hit the phone icon to call. A man answered.
“I’d like a reservation for tonight. I’m bringing my daughter.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I know it’s last minute, but it’s what she says she wanted.”
“Ma’am, I’m sorry about your daughter, but…”
“Oh no! Please don’t tell me you’re full. I told her I’d do this for her!
“But we can’t have your daughter here, ma’am”
Cameron was shocked. “I assure you, you’d be lucky to have my Ruby as a customer. Is this some kind of discrimination?”
The phone went dead. She couldn’t believe it. The guy had hung up on her. She hit redial and got voicemail.
“You’ve reached Rainbow Bridge Pet Crematorium. We’re not available to take your call right now…”
She hung up and texted Ruby.
On second thought, why don’t you go ahead and make that reservation.
At least she knew Ruby was going to like her gift. Her daughter had always loved Spanish fans, the colors, the inlay on the handles, and the lace.
Cameron has signed the birthday girl up for an Only Fans subscription. Who knew such a thing existed!
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2144} I like the portrayal as Cameron as this Amelia Bedelia-like character who always seems to get things a bit confused. The differences in what she thinks she's doing vs. what she's actually doing are so extreme, which provides a lot of comedy and surprise. {1943} Oh my goodness, what a fun story! The characterization of Cameron was very strong. I laughed at her total lack of common sense. You painted a vivid picture of a woman who was challenged by modern life, and I laughed at the idea of poor Ruby having to deal with such a clueless mother! I loved the description of how " Ruby called every Elvis impersonator “Daddy” for years afterward", and the mix up over Only Fans was hilarious. This really was entertaining - thank you for making me laugh. :) {1742} Lots of humor throughout based on well-written characters. I was perplexed from the getgo with Cameron and the phone, but read on intrigued as there are some doozy lines like Outback/Austria, the Elvis impersonators, and the Only Fans in the end. It's a bonkers relationship that has some great dialogue. Very heightened reality - I think - but its never not engaging! Well done. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2144} I like the concept of the story, but I wish there was a little more of an indication of why Cameron is so insistent on trying to make the reservation for this dinner. I feel like she's just repeating old patterns, so if this is really a special thing, I wish we could get more of an indication that she's trying to make a special effort and why it always inevitably seems to be going wrong. I think that will really set this whole incident apart from her usual confusion. {1943} I found the ending of the story a little disjointed on first reading. I think we would benefit from a stronger transition into "At least she knew Ruby was going to like her gift." We had just seen her text to Ruby for her to make the reservation, but the focus then on a gift felt like a jump. Perhaps rewording the start of the sentence would help, to show us that Cameron had now moved on from thinking about the reservation. Perhaps it would help if you were more direct, such as Cameron writing a birthday card and finding a way to show Ruby what the gift was? I did then ponder for a moment over the "Spanish fans, the colors, the inlay on the handles, and the lace". After rereading, I realized that these items are maybe on the Only Fans homepage? Again, I felt that a little more detail might help with clarity. {1742} There is a tone of sarcasm that should be running through this story. Or, at least that's what I picked up with the last lines. They feel like characters you are satirizing American culture and stereotypes with, but that sarcasm and satire should run throughout. I also thought some description of what they look like, how old, and where they are would help ground the story.
I do think it’s possible Judge {1943} doesn’t know what Only Fans is. None of the judges appear to be from the US, and may therefore be without the rolled eyes needed to fully appreciate my art. And I thought sarcasm ran throughout, because it always does. (That was sarcasm, 1742.)
I'm a big fan.
I think you have an excellent foundation for a good short story...and the Only Fans reference at the end had me rolling!